The Shame and Guilt from Being Obese

Shortly after the pot roast lunch, my co-worker took me to a symposium for other morbidly obese folk like myself who were interested in Gastric Bypass. I was consumed with shame and guilt as I parked at Huntington Hospital and began the trek towards the room where the event was held. Shame: what a terrible person I am for letting myself become this giant marshmallow. Guilt: I definitely shouldn't have had that chicken burrito on my way here.

I walked past two skinny nurses outside on a smoke break. Shame: I'm sure they're mortified by my appearance. Who wouldn't be? Guilt: I'd rather have a cheeseburger than be here right now.

I walked into the room and was immediately shocked by all of the other very large people. A few of them were pushing or pulling oxygen tanks, many had canes and there were a handful who had someone else pushing them in their plus-sized wheel chairs. Shame: Oh my goodness, I look like this. This is me. Well, in five years anyway. Guilt: I'm totally grossed out by some of these people but I'm one of them!!

I sat down with my co-worker as far in the back of the room as I could, took out my notebook and pink gel pen and waited with asthmatic breaths for the symposium to begin. Shame: My shirt isn't big enough to cover the rolls around my middle. Guilt: I still really want a cheeseburger.

A tall, thin (of course), blonde doctor approached the podium. He was maybe 40 and had probably never had a day where he worried about calories. He started by going over the multiple types of stomach surgery: Lap Band, partial bypass and the full bypass. (I promise one day I will go into details about the many differences between each; its definitely good to know!) His practice only did full bypasses because they had the highest success rate and "lets face it, you don't need to continue to struggle (with weight loss), you need the chance to succeed."

I was scribbling notes away on my paper with the fervor of a college student cramming for finals. There was so much information to absorb but I felt like I didn't have enough time. After the Dr's turn at the microphone, he introduced a panel of guest speakers- all post op. The first to take the floor was a very tall man of about 60. He stood with his strong presence next to a full size cut out of the man that he was only three years before. At his largest, he had tipped the scales at over 400lbs. Next, a small woman of about 45 took the stage (9 years post op) and told of her struggles with infertility and how she ate to cover the pain but it just fed the vicious cycle- "The bigger I got, the more unlikely it was for me to conceive" she said as she wiped tears away from her now chiseled cheek bones. After we journeyed through her past, she introduced us to seven year old son.

At the top of my page I wrote the one single word that was resonating in my mind. "HOPE!"

If they could, so could I. The next step was to schedule an appointment with the skinny Dr and to see if I qualified. Day two of my future concluded on the wings of hope and prayer.

Who is that person in the mirror?

Have you ever had that moment where you suddenly wake up and realize that the you that you've become is not the you that you wanted to be? My moment came in April of 2006 in the form of a pot roast lunch. I was at an Administrative Appreciation Luncheon hosted by my work and was sitting next to a co-worker who was ingesting bite after bite of gravy covered pot roast, potatoes and carrots. She was probably a size ten at the most and I was shocked at her ability to consume the countless calories without it pummeling her mid line like a gallon tub of cottage cheese. As I sat there pushing the wilted lettuce and pale beats of my "healthy" salad around my plate, I began to get frustrated. I was 330lbs and a size 26 and if I even glanced twice at what was on her plate, I would have gained 5lbs on the spot.

I was not 330lbs because I hadn't cared enough to try Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, or the Atkins Diet. I was 330lbs because I had tried these diets and was unable to successfully lose weight while consuming a third of a congealed chicken breast and a quarter cup of slimy rice in a sauce that I could only hope was really the "roasted garlic Marsala" that Jenny claimed it to be. I loved good food and I wasn't willing to give up flavor and enjoyment of food just to lose a few pounds.

A few pounds. What a joke. According to the U.S. standards for a healthy Body Mass Index, or BMI, I had surpassed their recorded "should-be" numbers and was in the 300+ category, otherwise known as Morbidly Obese. In other words, at 25 years old, I was knocking on deaths door.

So as I sat there, envious of the braised beef and wine reduction gravy on the plate next to mine, I mustered up the nerve to question her ability to gorge on greatness. Her response would change my life.
"Promise not to tell anyone?" she whispered. "Totally." I was desperate for her secret. "I had gastric bypass last year. I've lost 95lbs and I am still losing."

Gastric Bypass? Stomach surgery? This gorgeous girl who I was horribly envious of, had at one point looked like me and because of the surgery was now able to eat pot roast and lose weight. It sounded too good to be true and in fact, there was much more to the story than I originally thought, but at the time it was enough to get my attention and set me on a journey towards the first day of the rest of my life.



Beautiful Women Come in All Shapes and Sizes

After losing more than half of my total body weight, people began to ask me for advice and help in their own journeys. I was happy to help but it became clear to me that there are more women out there who struggle with their weight than who don't, and that they come in all shapes, sizes and walks of life. Inspired by the journeys of some of my friends who were sharing their stories on Facebook, and wanting to lose the final 15lbs that I just can't shake, I decided to establish a blog that would bring these women together and would give us all a safe place to vent, share our secrets and tips, and support each other as we each continue to battle those evil calories and pounds.

Those of us who are starting this journey out today range in age, size and are at different points in our weight loss journeys. From the first pound to the final ten, you will see unfold before you our trials and triumphs, our failures and our victories and mostly, our forever support for each other as we travel this life, losing one pound at a time together.